Arthurs Music Class and Mr Ratburns Problem
by Talhina Sky
Summary: it's a cross between School or Rock and 40 Year old Virgin.
1. His First Day

One normal day in El Wood city Arthur and his friends were in school. Apparently today was going to be a special day at El Wood elementary. Mr Ratburn had told the class that there was going to be a new music teacher at El Wood elementary school, and that he had been in a rock band from the 90's.

The kids have filled into the music rooms class room for their first day of class. They all sat in their seats and took out their instruments as they waited. Also they began to gossip about who the new teacher could be.

"I wonder who this new teacher could be and how long he staying," pondered Francine.

"Well I hope it's one of the spice girls," Muffy sighs dreamily and is completely oblivious to the fact that Mr Ratburn said it's a dude.

"Well since it won't be one of the spice girls since they sucked..." Buster cut in.

"Hey they did NOT suck," says Muffy

"They spoke to the modern girl!" she says again.

Buster just rolls his eyes and acts like it's nothing that she's so stupid.

"O my god! The teachers late! I need to learn," Says the Brain while he's hyper ventilating.

"Brain, it's OK your not going to die if you don't get one days worth of education, look at me im perfectly fine!" says Binky.

"No your not! Your retarded and your IQ is only like 45!" the Brain says.

All of a sudden the Brain punches Binky and they start fighting on the floor. All the other kids in the class room are going "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!". Arthur is shaking his head and talking to Buster about the latest episode of Bionic Bunny that was on T.V. the night before. All of a sudden the door to the music room opens and everybody stops chanting and the Brain and Binky are left to fight.

The Brain hits Binky over the head with a trumpet that was sitting on the desk right next to him.

"Hey that was my trumpet! That was expansive!" cries Fern

"All Right, that's enough boys," says the voice who's at the front of the room.

" O my god!" shouts a shocked Buster.

Binky and Brain stop fighting in the classroom and Brain gives Fern back her trumpet. Fern is still crying since that is her only trumpet and it had blood stains on it. The class is staring up at the front of the class room where their new music teacher stood. It is Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam.

"God I must be high," He mutters to himself as he writes his name on the board for the class to read.

"Well you all know me," he says.

Muffy raises her hand.

"What do you want?" Eddie asks her.

"Well I don't know you." she says.

He sighs and goes "why don't you know me?"

"Because I listen to pop music, like Animal Farm, and Britney Spears, and Cristina Aguleria. Not rock and Roll." she says with a snotty voice. He shakes his head.

"Well to bad cause no body else like's that shit." he says

With that the class laughs. Then Binky raises his hand.

"What do you want?" Eddie asks him.

"Well, I was wondering if we could swear in this class cause Mr Ratburn said the next time I swear he's going to send me to the principal who's going to send me to the philipeans to become a male prostitute on a street corner." Binky says rushedly.

Eddie Vedder and the rest of the class stare at him in this weird way.

Eddie goes "uh...sure you can swear in this class..."

"Awesome!" says Binky who is obviously interested in this class already.

As Eddie begins to write something on the board Brain raises his hand.

"What do you want you little Fuck." he says.

The Brain stares at him as if he's not used to people swearing at him.

"Well...Well...what kinda stuff...are...we.. Gonna learn...?" he ask's Eddie.

"Well I haven't thought about that? Alright. Now shut up and just do something else. Class will be over soon any way." Eddie sighs. And erases what he had written on the black board. All of a sudden a music book hits the Brain on the head and him and Binky start fighting all over again. This continues until class is over.

To Be Continued


	2. Mr Ratburns Confession

Chapter 2: Lunch- Arthur's Music Class

As Mr Ratburn goes to the Lunch line he is standing next to Eddie Vedder who is Purchasing a brownie and some Fiji Water.

"Um...Mr Vedder...can I ask you a question?" Mr Ratburn asks while grabbing some Vitamin Water from the container.

Eddie Vedder rolls his eyes and tries to keep his cool because he knows he's only going to be at this school for a while. He takes out his spider man wallet and takes out a five dollar bill and pays the lunch lady.

"What kind of question is it?" Eddie responds in an angry voice as he heads back to the farthest section of the teachers table. Mr Ratburn sits down next too him. Eddie Vedder rolls his eyes and begins to unwrap his Brownie.

"Well...I...don't" Mr Ratburn starts to say as he opens his egg salad sandwich and his bag of sour cream and onion chips.

"You don't what?" Eddie Vedder ask's him angrily while taking a sip from his Fiji water.

"Well...I don't and never have had a" Mr Ratburn studies real hard on his egg salad thinking that it's the best thing in the world to eat. Instead of answering the question.

"You've never had what? An STD? I mean cause that's a good thing" Eddie says while stealing some of Mr Ratburn chips while he isn't looking.

Mr Ratburn lowers his voice so that the other teachers don't hear him and then he goes

"Well...I've never had a girl friend and I've never had sex."

Eddie Vedder looks at him

_Back at the Kids Lunch Tables_

Arthur and his friends where talking about the new teacher.

"I don't think I should be in his class." says George as he lets out a sigh

"Why is that George his class is gonna be fricken awesome!" says Buster

"No it's not!" Argues the Brain while he eats some of his meatloaf sandwich.

"Why not?" Asks Buster while he reads a letter from his dad.

"Well" says the Brain while he takes another bite from his meatloaf "Because I don't think were going to learn anything at all and I need to get into Harvard! And that means actually learning and not fighting with Binky All the time" he then looks over to Binky's table where they are smashing pop cans on their heads.

"Well I think it could be cool." says Arthur who thinks this is one time that when he plays the piano will really pay off.

" I think it would be cooler if some retarded person didn't use my trumpet as a baseball bat" says Fern as she glares at Brain.

"Im sorry about that Fern, But I had to Use something or else that Retard would have own!" says the Brain as he opens his bag of Chips-A-Hoy cookies.

"Well, I don't like him. He looks like a stoner. And he smells like cigarettes" says Muffy who is examine her nail job.

"Well that's just cause you don't like anyone who's not into pop music." says Arthur.

Muffy gets up from the table and let's out a huff

_Back at Mr Ratburn's table _

"You've Never had Sex?" Eddie asks him.

Mr Ratburn nods with embarrassment at what he just said.

"No I've Never had sex," sighs Mr Ratburn as he throws out his garbage then sits back down.

"How have just like not ever tried to have sex or just...you've got to be at least 28 right?" Eddie says while finishing off his Fiji water.

"I mean I have tried, once...but It didn't work out at all, and I just gave up after that. And for my age im a little bit older then 28."

Eddie Vedder gets up and throws away his Fiji water and sits back down. He doesn't want to talk about this at all. Since he does not want to deal with these freaky talking animals at this weird school any longer then he has too.

"Well how old are you then 30?" Eddie asks

"Well...no.." Mr Ratburn Stutters.

"Then?" says Eddie

"Well im 40.." Mr Ratburn say's.

"Your what?!" Eddie ask him a bit concerned

Mr Ratburn hides his face in embarrassment "yes...im 40." he say's again

"Well then you need some help," Says Eddie

Mr Ratburn nods then heads back to class since lunch is over and he has too teach his least favorite class that includes Binky about Algebra. Which is his favorite subject and now he has to worry about his co workers finding out that he has never had sex. Since these things do spread quickly at El Wood Elementary.


	3. Mr Ratburns Afternoon

Chapter 3- Mr Ratburn's Afternoon.

After his eventful lunch with Eddie Vedder Mr Ratburn headed back to his class room for his afternoon classes. Which did include teaching Binky and his retarded friends Algebra. One thing he was not looking forward to doing especially after what just happened. As he entered the class room all the children where filling into their seats since they knew Mr Ratburn was one tough mother fucker.

"Well today we'll be doing Algebraic Equations." Mr Ratburn says as he writes it on the board.

As he does that a thought crosses his mind a thought that hasn't crossed his mind since he was 18 years old. That thought was Sex.

"Well take out your notebooks and take notes..." Mr Ratburn says.

At that Binky raises his hand to ask him a question.

"Mr Ratburn I don't have a note book with me!"

Great. Thinks Mr Ratburn who is incredibly maddened with the thought of Sex dirfting in and out of his mind.

"Well...you can..just read the book and take notes for Homework." Mr Ratburn says while he begins to write what an Algebraic Equation is on the board and about a dozen students copying it down. Some how turned Mr Ratburn on.

"Well ax+bo and that is a Linear Algebraic Equation..." Mr Ratburn says while getting emensly distracted in his own thoughts.

After awhile Mr. Ratburn just can't take his own perverted mind.

"DAMN IT" Mr Ratburn shouts out in class and the whole class stares at him.

"Mr..Mr.. Ratburn you swore!" says The Brain while almost having a heart attack.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK" Mr Ratburn yells and The Brain falls out of his chair and hits his head on his back pack. Arthur helps him out of his seat. The Bell Rings and they are dismissed for the day.

When Mr Ratburn is heading down the hall way pretty damn fast to be sure that he is trying not to be noticed in case Brain has told on him. Mr Ratburn almost doges Principal Haney. Who then grabs him by the shirt sleeve and pulls him into his office.

"Well Well Well if it isn't the teacher who swore in front of some of his students." Prinicpal Haney say's while closing his office door. Mr Ratburn looks down at his feet and tries to keep it cool and act like he's had a great after noon.

"Mr Haney, Im really sorry I didn't mean to swear in front of my class, it was an accident! I mean I was really mad at my self" Mr Ratburn appolgizes,

Mr Haney does something that surprises Mr Ratburn. He laughs.

"You know what you have a very very special problem" Mr Haney says.

_O God! Mr Haney must know_! Thinks Mr Ratburn to himself.

"What kind of Problem?" Mr Ratburn asks just to reassure him self that it isn't something else.

"Well You are a Virgin aren't you?" Asks Mr Haney?

_O great he knows! _Continues to think Mr Ratburn. All what he can do is nod.

"Well me and Mr Vedder are going to help you since you can't seem to do it your self." Mr Haney says with a sly smile on his face.

At that Mr Haney opens his office door and goes "And Don't worry about swearing we have more important things to worry about then you swearing in front of your students." Mr Haney winks.

Mr Ratburn just puts his head in his hands and feels like a complete idiot. He then automatically begins to run to his car and puts it in drive. He thinks to him self that this was the most perfect day he's ever had in his life.


	4. Mr Ratburns night out Part 1

Mr Ratburn got home from the most perfect day in his life. He wasn't happy at all with how things were going. He was even thinking about quitting because by tomorrow everyone would know his secret that he was a 40 year old virgin. Mr Ratburn walked over to his phone and saw that there was a message on it. He hit the play button and sat down on his brown and pink sofa.

"Hey Ratburn, im so sorry about today I was just understanding of your situation." says Mr Haney the schools principle who he had run into before leaving.

"Me and Eddie are going out tonight and we want you too come with, it would be fun call me back at my number" he finishes and he hangs up.

Mr Ratburn ponders this though. 'They're probably going to make me have sex so I wont be a virgin any more. I bet that's what they're going to do.' he thinks as he hesitantly goes over to the phone. He picks it up and dials Mr. Haney's number and waits hoping for a answering machine. But sadly he is disappointed.

"Hello?" says Mr Haney on the other end

"Er ya its me" says Mr Ratburn.

"Ratburn! You got my message come on come out with us, it will be fun I promise" says Mr Haney.

"Do you promise me that there won't be any sex?" he asks him knowing the answer will be yes there will be sex.

"No I promise you there won't be sex, just booze and some women, but no sex" says Mr Haney.

Mr Ratburn ponders this thought while Arthur Haney gives him the name and directions to the club.

"Fine ill go with you. But there better not be sex cause if there is, im leaving" says Mr Ratburn.

"Good you need a night out and I promise that there won't be any sex." says Mr Haney on the other end. He hangs up and Mr Ratburn puts the phone down wondering if he made a mistake or not by saying yes. Mr Ratburn goes to take a shower. Once he's out of the shower he goes to his closet which is one of those walk in closets. He browses through all of his clothes which are all high quality for a teachers pay. He continues too look through them and choses out a brown and pink pinstripe suite to wear for the evening.

To Be Continued


	5. His Night Out Part 2

Mr Ratburn was driving to the club where he said he would meet them. The only thing that was going in and out of his mind was sex. Once he got to the club he calmed down cause he remembered that they said there wouldn't be any sex. He parked in the parking lot across the street and headed into the club. Mr Ratburn looked around the club and was surprised about what he saw. There were women dressed in skimpy clothing and liqour and cigarrette smoke everywhere. The song that was being played was 'YEAH' by Usher and Lil Jon.

Mr Ratburn was very shocked by all of this. He looked around for Eddie and Mr Haney, he found them sitting in the corner.

"You promise there will be no sex?" says Mr Ratburn while he couldn't take his eyes off of a women in skimpy clothing.

"No sex, but you do need to get laid my dear man" says Eddie. Mr Ratburn nods while Mr Haney goes off to find a women for Mr Ratburn. Eddie offers Ratburn a Maragrita. He takes it and downs it and starts to feel tipsy. Then Eddie passes him a vodka with orange juice. Mr Ratburn gets really really drunk. Mr Haney comes back with a woman a tad older then Ratburn.

"So Ratburn."says Haney while he has his one arm around the woman.

"This is sally and she's a doctor...with a big house." Mr Ratburn looks confused.

"I thought there would be No sex?" he says while Mr Haney continues

"What do you Mean no sex?" asks Sally who is a tad confused. Mr Haney looks at both of them while Eddie is drinking the last of Ratburns Vodka and orange juice.

"Im A VIRGIN" Mr Ratburn says out loud and Sally looks at him oddly.

"...well I don't want to sleep with a virgin. You said he was experienced!" says Sally as she walks away.

"Aw Ratburn you ruined it. Lets get you home your too drunk to drive" says Mr Haney.

"Did I say I was a virgin out loud?" asks Mr Ratburn.

Eddie nods to what Mr Ratburn is saying while still finishing the drink.

"Aw man everyone knows that I'm 40 and a VIRGIN" he says. The club stares at him.

"Well Ratburn you didn't make your situation easier.."says Eddie.

"Lets get you home" says Haney while taking Ratburn by the arm and out of the club.

To Be Continued...


	6. Chapter 6 Mr Ratburns hangover

Mr Ratburn returned to his house late in the morning he was very very drunk. He stumbled all the way to his bedroom. Threw himself on the bed and fell asleep the next day the alarm clock went off and he just pressed the snooze button. When he was more ready and going to get up for the day he looked at the clock. He was late the first time in a long time that Mr Ratburn had been late.

"O shit O shit I can't believe it!" he groans he still would have to make It too his bus stop.

"I cant believe that I'm going to be late for the first time I cant believe they let me do this!" grumbles Mr Ratburn. He runs into the shower and then changes really fast. He didn't happened to notice that he was wearing his shirt backwards. Also he didn't notice he was wearing his pants backwards as well.

_Inside Mr Ratburn's class room..._

"where's Mr Ratburn?" asks Buster while looking at the clock.

"I don't KNOW and I NEED to Learn!!" hyperventilates the Brain.

"Brain calm down, it will be ok he'll be here ok?" says Arthur while putting his hand on Brains shoulder.

"NO it WONT I'm NOT going to get into a decent high school or a decent college if this keeps on happening!" he says while grabbing his crayon box and throwing it across the room. The class stares at the Brain and hope Mr Ratburn gets there sometime soon. Since it looks like the Brain will kill someone if he doesn't learn anything.

_Back at Mr Ratburn's house..._

Mr Ratburn was running to get to his bus stop but he couldn't trust the bus in a time like this. He had to use desperate measures. He had to drive his car, he wasn't a fan of driving cars because they caused Global Warming and even thou Mr Ratburn was a fan of Al Gore. Even thou he seems like the opposite type of person. Mr Ratburn grumbled and got into his car Only His car didn't have gas so he made it halfway out of the drive way. Then his car stopped and he gave up.

"Why the hell do I have to deal with these retards today I don't want too" he grumbles and gets back inside the house and back in bed for the day. Mr Ratburn doesn't even bother calling Mr Haney just because he know that he will ride his ass.

_Mr Ratburn's Class Room..._

"Where is He I really need too learn!!" shots the brain while he's jumping up and down on the table like an animal. "I can't take it any more!!" he continues while throwing things. One of the rulers he throws hits Muffy on the head and knocks her out. The class continues to stare at the animal that is the Brain.

"ok Brain this is getting out of control we really need you too calm down" says Buster trying to get the situation under control. The Brain just rawrs and goes back to throwing objects across the room.

Mr Haney opens the classroom door and watches the mess that is going on in the class room.

"well we assume that Mr Ratburn isn't coming today. We don't have a subsitute at hand, Ill be the one teaching you today. Even thou you only have five minutes left of class." Mr Haney says. Mr Haney sits at the desk while watching the kids argue.

"Mr Haney are we going to do any learning today?" asks The Brain

"nope I don't know your teachers lesson plan" Mr Haney answers.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" says the Brain while dropping to his knee's.

To Be Continued...


End file.
